But as time passes and it is accepted that the loved one is no longer part of the grieving person's daily life and he or she adjusts to the world without the loved one, the tree grows and although the grief is still there, it is only part of one's life and does not fill the bereaved's whole life. This does not mean that the loss is forgotten or left behind. We lost a baby boy and from time to time when I see a baby boy, my heart aches and then I'm thankful because I haven't forgotten him yet. The last tree means that the mourning is integrated and this involves accepting the death of the loved one, there is renewed interest and involvement in life, along with less preoccupation with the survivors. This does not mean that we are finally cured of our grief. Grief is an endless long journey.
Emotions do not simply happen in isolation but are activated by circumstances and how we interpret the circumstances. You are going to feel what your brain believes. Emotions are functional in that they help us respond to situations.
There is no pain as intense as the loss of a loved one, but I want to encourage you by telling you that our bodies are wired to deal with loss. Our bodies activate different emotions when we experience loss. These emotions are functional because they help us work through the grief. Emotions are short-lived and last for a few minutes or hours at a time. Different emotions come and go.
One day someone said to me: “I was amazed by the levels of anxiety I felt at my loved one's death but equally surprised by how often the pain went away. One moment I felt so sad I thought I was going to physically have a heart attack and then a moment later when I was talking to someone about a silly little thing I was laughing like nothing happened. It was strange."
The short-term nature of emotions is important and has important implications for the grieving process.
The most dominant emotion when we mourn is sadness. Grief occurs when we react to the unwelcome knowledge that we have lost someone important to us and that there is nothing we can do about it. It's the phone call at midnight, or the ringing of the doorbell when you're not expecting anyone. Grief shuts down our biological systems so we can return to our inner self. It makes us experience life in slow motion. Research indicates that grief focuses our attention on our inner self so that we can take stock of our inner self. In doing so, we are enabled to see our abilities and actions more accurately and to reflect more deeply and effectively on our inner selves to help us adjust to a world where the person that we lost are no longer with us. So grief helps us deal with the loss.
When we feel sad, we physically look sad too; the face drops, the eyebrows pinch together and rise upwards to form a triangle, the eyelids narrow and the jaw slackens. Our body shows sadness.
The pain is visible in our body. We lower our heads and hold our hands over our faces. Our sadness settles in our appearance and other people see it and realize that we need help. This elicits their empathy and help. They put their arms around us and give us a hug.
Crying releases endorphins that reduce pain. It's like morphine. That's why you feel much better emotionally after crying.
Anger is another emotion that is often experienced during grief and helps us work through the grief. Anger comes when we think that another person is harming us or we think that someone has acted insensitively or unfairly towards us. We can experience anger towards, among other things, the situation, God or the medical staff. Sometimes we are angry with the loved one who died and we feel he or she has failed us by leaving us. We are angry because he or she did not want to take medication or go to the doctor earlier. Anger's function is to strengthen you against the struggle that lies ahead and to help you develop a sense that you can survive on your own.
These two examples of emotions show that emotions help the bereaved to work through the terrible pain of loss. The fact that emotions are short-lived and do not last long at a time makes mourning bearable. Physical pain such as a toothache is persistent but grief is like a bomber circling the air and then dropping his bombs every time he gets to the target. And it is precisely this momentary emotions that makes mourning bearable. It is the amazing human ability to squeeze brief moments of happiness and joy in between the sadness. Grief is bearable because it comes and goes in waves and not all at once. One moment we focus on the pain of the loss and then we laugh again at a joke that one of our children tells and we temporarily feel better to continue with our mourning later. Our bodies also work in cycles like this. We breathe in air and then breathe it out again. We cannot breathe in and out at the same time and therefore we breathe in cycles. Our muscles contract and then the muscles relax again. We sleep and wake up because we cannot rest and be wide awake at the same time because we cannot physically engage in contrasting activities. Even when we sleep we circulate through deeper and shallower phases. Our body temperature rises and falls. The emotional fluctuation between two things also makes griefing easier for us. We cannot focus on the reality of the loss and at the same time be involved in the world . That is why we mourn in cycles and not continuously. It helps that mourning does not overwhelm us. Research shows that this resilience to bounce back to better emotions each time after intense grief is characteristic of the bereaved. People are wounded by the loss, but are able to regain their balance and move on and to love again. As time passes, the grief subsides and the bereaved begins to slowly move back to normal. This rebounding pattern helps the bereaved to survive the pain after the loss. Over time, the bereaved gain more control over the grief and are able to choose when to grieve and when to talk to family and friends about the loss. As time passes the grief subsides and the bereaved moves more towards a normal life. The longing for the beloved becomes less. Grief is like a dimming light. It fades but never goes away completely. There will always be a flicker…

3. Processing of loss

Coming to terms with the death of a loved one is a difficult and painful experience and there are even more challenges if the loss happened when your loved one was not close to you such as during the pandemic or if the loved one was in another city, province or country.
There was a family that experienced a loss. A farmer who was burnt in a field fire was rushed to Unitas hospital. While the ambulance was on its way with him, his family in Pretoria waited for the ambulance at Unitas. His daughter and his sister were in ICU with him and sat by his bedside throughout the day for two days. Six o'clock on the Sunday morning the hospital called his daughter for the family to come. Once there, the staff moved the man aside in ICU and his whole family held hands around his bed and told him how much they loved him and how they were going to miss him. Everyone got the opportunity to say goodbye. His son read to him from the Bible and prayed and the family sang to him as he breathed his last breath. They then all went to his daughter's house for the rest of the day and ate and talked and told stories about the man. Three days later, they all sat with his friends and parishioners in an overcrowded church to pay his last respects. Family members cried in each other's arms and encouraged each other with hugs. The pain of the loss was intense but uncomplicated. I know because I am the daughter.
Then I chatted with someone who lost her husband in the Corona pandemic period. Her husband fell ill and she took him to the hospital only to find out he had Covid-19. She couldn’t go into the hospital with him. The next night she received a call from the hospital informing her that her husband had passed away and that she should have the body removed within half an hour. In the middle of the night, she had to look for undertakers. She felt terribly guilty that she had not been there in his final moments. She arrived at the hospital just in time to see them carrying his body, wrapped in piles of plastic, out the front door of the hospital and keeping everyone at a distance. She couldn't see him or touch him for the last time. She was deprived of the step to say goodbye. Her nightmare had barely begun because no one wanted to come near her out of fear that she also had Covid. She got tested and tested positive. Days of anxiety followed: she feared that her symptoms would worsen and that she too would die. Friends and family dropped off food at her gate. Her children were overseas and could not visit due to the lockdown restrictions. She was forced to mourn alone, cut off from other people's hugs for encouragement. In her darkest moments, there was no one to comfort her. She was terribly angry but did not know who she could be angry at.
During the next month, she lost four more family members due to Covid. And to top it all off, she lost her job...
When people who die are separated from their families, or loved ones have to mourn without their family around them, many people suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder. Survivors are shaken by the circumstances in which their loved ones died. Sudden deterioration, sudden death and the impossibility of being there until the end make the pain enormous. Lockdown restrictions, masks, isolation or long distances make the normal mourning period a nightmare. Families cannot mourn in the familiar cultural and religious ways.
Often an employee at the hospital calls to inform the family about the death. The person is mostly not familiar with the family and may only have partial information about the last moments of the deceased. Because family was not present until the end, the family may feel that the death did not actually occur, and as a result the death cannot be processed. If we are not with our loved one in their last moments, we struggle more when we have to imagine what their last minutes were like. Were they scared? Were they alone? Not being at your loved one's bedside makes you struggle even more. Feelings of guilt for not being at their deathbed, not realizing sooner that he or she needed help or having suspicions that you may have passed on the disease can give you sleepless nights. The Covid mourning period was an isolated and torturous time without people coming to put bowls of food in your kitchen and give you hugs or drink tea with you. The bereaved felt rejected and alone. Routines and rituals that normally bring comfort were not as readily accessible and this increased feelings of isolation and loss.
Due to the pandemic and accompanying losses, and especially the large number of people in South Africa who had Covid, most people no longer have the emotional energy to assist others. The pandemic has made everyone anxious and impatient and those who had Covid are struggling with the after effects of it such as depression, confusion, insomnia and panic attacks. In many homes the breadwinner has died and this brings more anxiety and complicates the normal intensity of mourning.
Funerals are big events in Africa because death brings people together to show their condolences and support to the family. The pandemic period has changed the entire dynamics of funerals and virtual funerals are very common these days. There was a time in the Covid pandemic period that only 50 people were allowed to attend a funeral. Which 50 people may come? People who come to your wedding are in your life forever and in a strange way it's the same with funerals. In normal times, people come from all over to be with you when someone dies. They tell stories and anecdotes about the person who died and keep the person alive in their memories. Virtual funerals aren’t worse than personal funerals but they are very different because there is no physical gathering with close contact and someone physical to support the bereaved.

4. Handling loss

There is no "one-size-fits-all" formula for healing the soul. When the funeral is a memory and your family and friends have returned to their busy lives, you may wonder how you will manage. When grief threatens to overwhelm you, try to say with the psalmist: “I weep for sorrow; strengthen me as You promise in Your word.” (Psalm 119:28). Hold on to God's promises as you work through your grief. "He gives strength to the weary, and increases the power of the weak. " (Isaiah 40:29).
Everyone grieves in different ways depending on the person and the situation they are going through. Each of us must find the unique path that leads us from grief and sorrow to healing. Some people might tell you to get on with your life, or that it's part of some bigger plan. Some of them may shun or pity you. But you earned this mourning period and paid for it with blood. You experience pain, even on days when you wish it weren't so. You don't have to deny it or let anything, or anyone, try to take it away from you. When it feels like your life is falling apart, you have to be very gentle with yourself . Here are some examples to help you cope with grief:

• Be creative
  Write letters about the emotions that go through your head. Draw, paint or make a piece of art as a tribute to the loved one. Music and poems are therapeutic. Poems can be a great comfort. Continue with your hobbies that bring you joy.
• Talk to other people
  There is the following idiom in Africa: The ladder of death is not climbed by one person alone. For Africans, death is not an individual event. It is an opportunity to give real expression to a common consensus. During your loved one's death, you could not fully grasp the enormity of the loss because it was just too overwhelming. Your mind and body have protected you by allowing the truth to sink in slowly over time at a rate you can handle. By telling the story over and over of what happened, you can eventually realize the truth of what happened. Even if you don't feel like it, it is important to talk to your family or your friends every day. Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you pride yourself on being strong and independent . Draw your loved ones closer and spend time with them and accept the support and help they offer rather than avoiding them. People often want to help but they don't know how, so tell them what you need – a shoulder to cry on, someone who's just there or an ear to listen. This way you can let go of the thoughts that build up and repeat in your head. Grieving people need others who can walk into the abyss with them, sometimes again and again. They need to reach out to someone who is safe, who won't judge, who won't shut down or avoid their pain. Telling your story over and over is a path to healing. You can also gain useful insight from people who have gone through similar circumstances and you will realize that you are not alone in this process. You will later find that you no longer have the energy, desire or need to tell it one more time. This is what healing finally feels like. If there is no one with whom you can regularly connect in person, you can always build new friendships. Make use of the digital platforms.
• Experience the pain
  Your feelings are normal. Each person experiences loss differently, and how you feel in the given moment is valid. If we ourselves, or others, judge our grief as severe or too long, we feel the shame that descends into repression. If others cannot bear witness to our pain, we learn to hide it. We experience the feeling that we should not feel it. Other people can't tell you how you should or shouldn't feel. Allow yourself to experience all the feelings you have – anger, sadness, relief. Often people try to avoid the pain by killing it with alcohol or drug abuse. They avoid anything that might remind them of the loved one. You have to guard against it and be brave enough to let go of all your "soft addictions" that you cling to in order to remain numb. This can be things like watching endless Netflix stories, shopping, eating to fill the bottomless hole in your heart, as well as relying on prescription medications that you trick yourself into saying they must be okay, because "The doctor knows I take it". As soon as you try to bypass grief, there is a danger that grief can then manifest itself in another way. No one can move around mourning, you have to go through it. If you don't go through the mourning, you will end up in a deep depression or get stuck in the pain and misery and obsess over the loved one's death and alienate your friends and family.
• Nurture yourself
  You have to rebuild your broken body and nurture yourself. Take care of yourself and do physical exercise, eat healthy food because the nutrients will help your emotional well-being. If you are physically healthy, you will be able to handle your emotions better. Common symptoms of bereavement can have an effect on your health such as insomnia, eating problems and anxiety. Physical exercise can reduce your anxiety and help you sleep better. Eating is difficult when someone is in shock and grieving. Grieving people often don't see the need to make healthy food just for themselves. There are several forms of self-care. These can be things like eating healthy and sleeping well. Go for a massage, just be alone, or surround yourself with loving people who care about you and then also be gentle with yourself. For many bereaved, mourning is intensified during special occasions such as Mother's Day, Christmas, Father's Day and baby teas. Self-care people say "no" to these events, if they feel they are not ready yet. When we grieve, we need to allow ourselves to put our own needs first for a while.
• Stick to your routine
  Your daily routine is going to feel different after a loss. Try to return to your normal routine or work out a new one for yourself. It gives you a sense of normacy. There is comfort in routine. For some people it's easy to get going - get up, work, repeat... Others start small with something like making the bed and making breakfast. What your routine looks like is not important, what is important is creating a daily routine when grief is still new because it provides structure to your day. Grief has a way of shaking our sense of security and routine creates stability which gives you a sense of security again. Make sure you get out of bed every day and get dressed and take a shower or bath even if you have nothing else to do.
• Mourning
  Set aside times for yourself when you can grieve and don't let anyone tell you how to grieve or how to feel. Ignore it when people say things like: "She/he is in a better place", "She/he is not suffering anymore", "Let go"; "Everything happens for a reason," or "God needed an angel to tend His garden." Take your time to grieve. No part of the grief journey can ever be rushed. Plan for anniversaries and birthdays that can bring painful feelings. Plan a digital celebration of life where friends and family can share photos.
• Spend time with friends
  Invest in old and new relationships. Don't cut old friends out of your life and try to hide. Accept as many of the invitations you receive as possible.
• Accept the loss
  Accepting the reality of the loss involves overcoming the natural reaction of denial and realizing that the loved one is truly dead. This process is expedited if you see the person's body after he/she has passed away, attend the funeral and talk about what the circumstances were during the person's death and this will help you to realize that you will never see him/her again here on earth. Fortunately, we as Christians believe that we will see this person again in eternal life and that he/she is now in the Lord's presence, without any pain, fear or sadness. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. 5Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new”. And He said to me, "Write for these words are true and faithful." Revelation 21:4 – 5 That is why we mourn for ourselves and not for our loved ones because they are already where we desire to be.
• Cherish memories
  Research shows that bereaved people who are able to cope with the loved one's death are those who can accept the finality of the loss and it is precisely those who find comfort in the memories of that person. They know their loved one is gone but when they think about their loved one and talk about him or her, they find that they have not lost everything. The relationship is not completely gone. You will always have a relationship or bond with the people you love. Even after they leave their physical body and die. We can still remember things and find joy in the positive shared experiences. It's like a part of the relationship is still alive. There is power in the memories. Even if it seems like we have lost someone forever, there is still something to hold on to and cherish and it is the positive memories that we carry so that we can face the pain of the loss. As time passes we are enabled to move back and forth between positive and negative memories. You have lost your loved one's body but not his spirit. It is with you every day of your life. Many times the bereaved will look at photos or reminisce about the times they had with the loved one. Pictures are often placed all over the house to remind you about them. Positive memories help us cope with the pain of loss. As time goes on, grievers go back and forth between positive and negative memories.
• Accept the new person you have become
  Most bereaved people experience times when they are temporarily confused about their identity and no longer know who they are. It feels like parts of them are gone. You will never be the same person you were before the loss. Therefore, working out your new identity is important and it can be a difficult process. It is important for the person whose loved one has died to be concerned about their own identity. For example, parents whose only child has died often ask themselves, "Am I still a parent?" Siblings may ask themselves, "Am I still a little sister now that my brother has died?" A spouse who has spent much of her last years of marriage caring for a sick husband may find the shift away from the role of caregiver more difficult than expected. You will never be the same person you were before your loss. It is therefore important for you to create a “new identity” for yourself, which can be a difficult process. To grieve is a learning process in itself. We learn so much about ourselves in grief - perhaps more than we ever wanted to know. Haruki Murakami said, "When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm is all about."
• Choose a balanced diet
  A healthy diet can help you feel emotionally stronger because you are doing something positive for yourself and it boosts your self-esteem. Your brain and your body function better when you eat healthy foods that include all the food groups.
• Exercise regularly
  Exercise releases chemicals in the brain that improve your mood. It also helps you sleep better and you will feel more energetic. Choose exercises that you like. Listen to music while you exercise or do it with someone.
• Get enough sleep
  An adult needs an average of 7 to 8 hours of sleep per day for your brain and body to rest. Make yourself a list of everything that needs to be done the next day before you go to bed. This will help you organize your thoughts and go to sleep without any distractions.
• Talk to a professional
  Many people find that it helps to talk to a therapist, minister or professional about things they are having trouble processing.

5. Coping with loneliness

You cannot dwell on your grief or your loss every waking moment. In the first flood of grief, you may feel that you cannot control the extent of your suffering. But you can do it with friends, with activities and a plan that becomes a lifeline.
The death of a loved one is a painful and confusing experience that is not an every-day-normal-day event. When a loved one dies, a void is left that no one and nothing else can fill. You don't have to feel like a victim of your loneliness. You can break through your loneliness in an instant, by making one phone call, or speaking one word to another person. Share your feelings with someone you trust, let someone else into your private world. The people around you—family, friends, colleagues, caring professionals are all part of your support system, if you let them.
Doing things you enjoy is good for your emotional health. Simple activities such as attending a sporting event with a friend or going somewhere to drink coffee with friends or just lying in the bath and relaxing can contribute to improving your day. Doing things you're good at like dancing or cooking is a great way to enjoy yourself and can feel like an achievement at the same time.

6 . Mourning with hope

My mother died when we were young. We prayed and believed that she would get well but she didn’t. When she died, my father had our three children sit with him and he read 1 Corinthians 13:13 to us: "Now hope, faith and love remain, but the greatest of these is love!" He told us: “We hoped that Mama would get well and we believed that Mama would get well. She didn't. But the greatest is the love we have for her and we will always love her." It's 40 years later and I still love her. You will always love your loved one. Love exists after death. The love is not cut off by the loss. It remains. Love is eternal. There is no beginning. There is no end. Life is forever changed by the loss and yet life goes on. So mourning is a way of loving. Suffering is inevitable for all who love. To love deeply is one of life's greatest gifts, and the loss of a loved one is one of life's deepest tragedies. Sadness and love mirror each other; one is not possible without the other.
As Christians, we mourn with hope despite our enormous grief. We have hope because we believe that Jesus died, rose again, and will come again in the future to get us.
For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesusthose who have fallen asleep in Him.
1 Thessalonians 4:14
We believe that we will see our loved ones again. In 1 Thessalonians 4: 16b – 18 it is written:
And the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and left will be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words.

SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS - Donna Ashworth ‘LOSS”
When I say sorry for your loss
it may sound perfunctory
trite even
but what I mean is
I am sorry
that you wake in the night
gasping for breath
heart racing in agony.
I am sorry that you will know a lifetime
of what ifs and could have beens.
I am sorry
that you ache
for one more minute with your love
knowing it can never be.
When I say sorry for your loss
please know
my soul is reaching out to yours
in understanding
and trying very hard
to take away
just one little ounce of your pain.