Children's Journey through Grief

After the death of a loved one, there is emotional chaos in the family. We were in the midst of one of the greatest tragedies in modern history and Covid-19 caused grieve on an unprecedented scale within a few years. On 20 July 2021, The Lancet (Volume 398, Issue 10298) publishes statistics on the effects Covid-19 had on children. During the period April 2020 to July 2021, 1 562 000 children globally lost their primary caregiver to death, of which 100 000 children were in South Africa. These statistics force us to talk about how to talk to children who are grieving the death of a loved one. This is a difficult subject because adults would like to protect their children and grandchildren from hurt, unpleasant emotions and certainly from death. We love to laugh with our children and grandchildren and expose them to life's joys. But then something tragic happens unexpectedly in our family when one of our loved ones dies. Our first thought is to keep it from the little ones in the family because we don't want to expose them to the grief of the loss. But if we remain silent we do not protect them because this silence about death does not take away their pain nor does it change the reality of the loss. Besides, children of all ages are usually aware of more than the adults realize; they may have listened to conversations or phone calls or picked up on the change in their parents' moods, and quite possibly they only heard parts of conversations and formed their own reality accordingly which can be far from the truth and very harmful to their mood. I would like to talk to you about how to talk to your child or grandchild who has lost a loved one.

1. Emotional growth of children in the mourning process.
Parents or caregivers cannot take away children's pain, but they can help children feel safe and deal with grief and loss in healthy ways. These coping mechanisms are building blocks for emotional growth as they will experience sorrows and joys throughout their lives and they need to know how to deal with it. Children will experience the full spectrum of life ; the joys and the sorrows of life. In these dark times of loss, parents can emphasize that death is a part of life. If death is never talked about, unreasonable expectations and disappointments are created for their lives ahead. Children are familiar with the concept of death anyway. Many of their friends' parents and grandparents passed away in the Covid period and thus they were frequently confronted with death in 2020/2021. Children, especially pre-schoolers, have trouble understanding that death is permanent. Their television and computer games are full of games where characters die, but with the next game the characters are alive again. Children think that grandma or grandpa will come back to life. They may tell you one moment that they understand that grandma isn't coming back, but then later they ask if grandma will be at their next birthday party.

2. Delivering the bad news
Breaking the news of a loved one's death is not easy. The best way is not to sugarcoat the news. It is confusing to tell them that God "came to pick His best flower, grandma." I know of children who have done naughty things for fear that they will be the next beautiful flower to be picked. Saying grandma went to sleep is going to fill them with fear again that if they go to sleep, they won't wake up. It is better to be honest with children about death.
They will be able to understand the following: “Grandma's body has stopped working and cannot be fixed again. If your body stops working you can no longer eat, play or walk. We will not see her or play with her again." In this way, you talk about death as if it were part of life. School-aged children gradually begin to understand that death is permanent and irreversible.
It is often better to share only the basic information about the death of their loved one and then over time provide more information according to their unique emotions and questions as too much information can be overwhelming. Wait until they have questions. Children are naturally curious and will ask: “Where is grandma now?" They are curious about life after death and may ask questions such as whether the deceased is cold or hungry? They wonder what happens to the person's body. It is important to answer the questions they ask honestly and give enough information so that the child does not fill in the parts that you do not answer with inaccurate information. So spend enough time with them so that you can hear and answer the questions.
To explain to pre-school children that someone is dead, you can use plants and insects as examples to describe death in nature.
Break the news of their loved one's death in a familiar environment where they feel safe and let the little ones hold their favourite toy or sit on your lap while you tell them. You can sit next to older children on the couch and hold their hand while you talk. Don't worry if they are not too sad because small children do not fully understand the concept of death.
Pre-school children tend to think that the world revolves around them and may often feel responsible for the deceased's death. They may think: “I was naughty with grandma or thought something bad about grandma. Her death is my fault." Therefore, it is necessary that they be assured that the death is not their fault. During the Covid years, older children were generally concerned that they had exposed their loved ones to the virus. Often, older children have gone to the extreme of isolating themselves to avoid the virus, fearing they might catch it and unknowingly pass it on to loved ones.
Anxiety is a common emotion that children experience after the death of a loved one in the family. They will be afraid that someone else in the family may die. They are anxious because they cannot understand how someone they love can just disappear from their lives. Reassure them that you will most likely live a very long time to take care of them and that everyone in the family is also there to take care of them and love them very much.
Older school-aged children may suppress their emotions to protect the adults. For example, they will not cry in front of Mum about Dad's death, for fear that she will then be even more heartbroken.

3. Children's grieving process
Children have not only lost a parent, they have also lost the relationship they had with the parent. They have lost the person who guided them, passed on family tradition, helped with homework, took them to cricket, sorted clothes, went to church with them and went on holidays. To them it feels as if their world has collapsed.
Children may be extra fussy after a loss or cry because they don't want to go to school. Babies and toddlers do not understand the concept of death but will sense the unhappiness of adults and may react to it by crying or wanting to be picked up all the time, even if they are not aware of the loss.
It is important that pre-school children have the opportunity to talk about their feelings. Creative play and exercise are a good outlet for their feelings because children often do not communicate with words. Children who have lost loved ones may experience mood swings, have fears of being alone, be angry and kick things around, resume thumb-sucking or bed-wetting, talk in baby language or have trouble sleeping.
Older children may show their grief by performing worse academically. They will struggle with concentration or only finish tasks halfway. It is possible that they may have trouble sleeping. Pre-school and primary school children may want to sleep with their parents during the grieving process or have nightmares or dreams about the eceased, while older children may struggle to sleep because they are afraid of death and therefore cannot sleep. Children of all ages may react to bereavement by showing behavior problems that were not there before such as talking back or teenagers may start drinking or using drugs.
If carers notice any of the above behaviour, it is important to talk to them about their feelings and you can feel free to tell them that you are also struggling with the loss and missing grandma.
You can use the little house below to help children work through the grief and understand the grieving process. Talk to the child who mourns about each floor. They can fill it in next to the cottage or just discuss it with you.
Research shows that children who share their pain and fear go through the grieving process more easily. Children who are grieving experience emotions they never experienced before and therefore have no words for them.

• viii. Third floor
  On this floor, let the child write down anything positive that has come out of their journey of grief, such as the family that all support each other and spend time with each other.
• ix. Flag
  Let the child write down or draw things they want people to know about them.

It is often natural to force children into adult roles after a loss, for example : "Now that Mummy is dead you can be the mummy for the little ones and also look after their homework." Although parents should give children responsibilities in the home that are age appropriate, this should not be as a reaction to the loss.
Death has a tremendous impact on the people that is left behind. When a pot gets cracked it doesn't mean it can't be fixed and made whole again. To explain complicated feelings like this to your children you can use a large clay pot. Break it into large pieces so that everyone in the family gets a piece big enough to write their name on. Everyone has to decorate their piece with markers, glitter, stickers or whatever they want to put on it. Now work together as a family to put the pot back together. Once it's glued back and solid, you explain how it relates to loss. Then plant flowers or fruit in it so that it is a reminder of the loved one they lost.

4. A ritual to say goodbye
Every person who has lost someone to death benefits from a ritual to say goodbye to their loved one.
Some parents prefer that their children attend the funeral with them. Keep in mind that some children are not ready for such an intense experience. A funeral where the body of the deceased is in a coffin at the front of the church, words that children do not understand and family members all crying at the same time can be very overwhelming for children. That is why it is good to discuss everything that will happen during the funeral with them in advance. Explain to them in advance that funerals are sad occasions and some people will cry. Children do well if they play a small active role in the funeral arrangements and this helps them cope better with the loss. They can write a poem that goes into the funeral leaflet, or help them collect photos or make sandwiches.
If they do not attend the funeral they still need a ritual to say goodbye. The little brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews can write letters to grandma and then tie them to balloons and everyone can send them up into the air together. They can sing and pray together, or they can each plant a tree. Making a memorial container is very effective: Just find a container in the house and let them decorate it and fill it with something that reminds them of the loved one who died. It can be drawings, cards, photos, recipes or anything else.

5. Death gives believing parents the opportunity to strengthen their children's faith.
Although a subject like death should not be reserved only for times when we experience loss in the family, the loss offers parents the opportunity to talk with children about suffering and faith. This is the time when children can observe that their parents, despite their sadness, find hope in the biblical message that loved ones will see each other again. By experiencing that believing parents are not overwhelmed by grief and do not mourn like people without hope, it gives children a mechanism to deal with their own mourning and also their future mourning.

1 Thessalonians 4:13 - 14 gives believers the foundation to practically understand the doctrine of eternal life:
Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. 14 For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.

In John 11:25-26 Jesus explains what it means to be dead:
Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; 26 and whoever lives by believing in me will never die.”

Death for a believer is to be with Jesus. Philippians 1:21 puts it this way:

… For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.…

6. Routines
Life can change a lot after a loved one's death, but routine makes children feel safe and gives them stability during this time of chaos. In the beginning, certain routines may be difficult, such as the empty seat at the dinner table. This can make mealtimes painful experiences. It can even be so painful that they don't want to eat and instead want to eat in the kitchen or in a restaurant. The challenge is for these families to realize that they are still a family even if one of their loved ones is no longer there and that life goes on. So stick to the routines like family meals, bedtime and bath routine.
Children who have lost loved ones may say they don't want to go to school because they have a headache or a stomach ache, but parents have to make sure they stay in the normal routine of going to school. Going to school is an important part of the children's lives. Often they are reluctant to talk to their classmates about how they feel after the death of their loved ones. It is good to discuss this with their teachers so that the school can understand that he or she is grieving.
The death of their loved one may change children's routines, for example grandmother can’t pick them up after school in the afternoon and do homework with them anymore. In that case it is good to prepare the child about how the routine will change in the future.

7. How should adults handle their grief in front of the little children?
The death of a loved one is like violence in the family and adults' hearts are broken over their loss. It is not desirable to pretend that everything is fine with you because of small children in the family. Although adults should save overwhelming emotions for their alone time, adults can be sad and cry in front of their children and tell them: " I feel sad because I miss Grandma, but a hug from you will help a lot." Crying in front of children shows them that sadness is part of life and that it doesn't have to overwhelm you. One feels sad at times but emotions are short-lived and every now and then you feel happy again about something. The same happens with children; they can be sad one moment and play and have fun again few minutes later. This one moment of sadness and then playing and forgetting the sadness does not mean that they are not sad or that they have finished grieving. Play is a mechanism to keep them from being overwhelmed by grief and pain.
Make them realize that they are not the only ones who are sad. The whole family is sad and mourns together.

8. Healing is a time-consuming process
Each child has his or her own pace through his or her journey through grief. During this journey, you can do things to remember the loved one such as looking through photos together. Children who are grieving need more attention and support than they would normally. It is not unusual for children to grieve and then do well for a week or month and then grieve again. It can also be when they move to their next developmental stage. Four-year-olds who lose their father will not experience the finality of death at that time. However, when they are 10 years old and there is a father-daughter dance or a father-son fishing trip, they may begin to show signs of grief as the reality of who and what they have lost really begins to sink in. Similarly, seven-year-olds may seem to recover quickly after losing a grandparent. But during their teenage years, they may show signs of sadness as they realize what they have missed without a grandparent or if they may regret that they did not spend enough time together while they were still alive.
There is no timeline that we can attach to mourning, no matter how young or old the person is. Give your child time to heal from the loss. Grief is a process that happens over time and we just need to be calm. Make sure you talk to your child regularly to hear how your child is feeling. Healing does not mean you forget about the loved one. It means that you remember the person fondly. Loving memories evoke good feelings that support us as we enjoy life.

SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS - Donna Ashworth ‘LOSS”
When I say sorry for your loss
it may sound perfunctory
trite even
but what I mean is
I am sorry
that you wake in the night
gasping for breath
heart racing in agony.
I am sorry that you will know a lifetime
of what ifs and
could have beens.
I am sorry
that you ache
for one more minute with your love
knowing it can never be.
When I say sorry for your loss
please know
my soul is reaching out to yours
in understanding
and trying very hard
to take away
just one little ounce of your pain.